With Father’s Day coming up, those nice folk at Corgi have compiled a new Top 10 of disappointing gifts that make every dad’s heart sink, so I thought we’d have a look at it.
I’ll confess before we start that, before I met Sofia, my wife, I used to buy some truly terrible presents. The BHS ‘tat section’ was my gift go-to, and one of the worst items that comes to mind was a fake Homer Simpson bottle opener. Sadly, the voice sounded absolutely nothing like the character. Imagine the worst Homer impression you’ve ever heard, and that’s what you got.
Whilst nothing can beat my mum’s claim to fame, when one Christmas she was gifted a pair of chicken lifters by a family member, there are undoubtedly some dodgy items in this rundown. If you’re off to the shops before the weekend on a last-minute mission to show you care on yet another day invented by the card companies, this column may well spare your blushes! Here are the items to avoid...
Gimmicky gadgets - I suppose chicken lifters would fit into this category. I did once buy my mum a novelty pig ‘crumb pet’ that hoovered up crumbs from the worktop, but I think she liked that at the time!
Slippers - the very epitome of a dull gift. Novelty or otherwise, nothing says you’ve given up on life more.
Mugs - remember that impromptu Boris Johnson press conference in 2018, when he emerged from his home with a tray of mugs of tea for the waiting press pack? Ironically, this was after he had made some crashingly inappropriate remarks about the burqa, an issue which a Reform MP has brought back into the headlines lately, leading to the party’s chairman resigning from his role for about the duration Katy Perry was in space. Anyway, Johnson’s mug collection was full of the sort of novelty tat you see in the cupboards at most offices. Nobody is delighted with yet another mug, surely?
Personal hygiene products - there was talk of Lynx Africa being discontinued earlier this year on social media. If you insist on buying dad a set this Father’s Day, you’ll be pleased to hear it’s been ‘saved’, much like the publicity stunt concerning salad cream being renamed sandwich cream in 2018. Whilst these gift sets might seem like a tempting and easy option for dad, they don’t exactly scream originality or thoughtfulness.
Exercise equipment - surely most dads would prefer Kettle Chips to kettlebells? Or a massive Toblerone? Save the gym stuff for the gym he has a membership for, yet never goes. Or is that just me? Mind you, I’m only a cat dad.
Novelty ties - I own a tie that once belonged to the late Countdown host Richard Whiteley. I won it in a charity auction, when there were no other bids. Happy to part with it for the right offer. I also used to own a Mr Blobby tie. Dear me. Thankfully, I do own some nice ties now, for formal occasions and court appearances.
Cheap aftershave - the sort that stings the nostrils, and not in a good way. I can’t help thinking of the Sex Panther scene in Anchorman at this point. 60% of the time it works, every time. I once bought myself a fake version of Paco Rabanne 1 Million, and Mrs C told me in no uncertain terms I should never wear it again. Her revulsion reminded me of the pheromone spray scene in Bottom.
Clothing with slogans / logos - scour any supermarket clothing section, and you’ll soon find multiple culprits on this front. Nothing says “love you dad” like a Haynes VW camper van XXL T-shirt.
And the worst offender... “world’s best dad” merchandise has made it to number one. The only thing more offensive would be a missing apostrophe in the slogan. I did once return a T-shirt to Burton Menswear because it had a grammatical error in its wording. The shop assistant shot me a scornful look, and refunded me to get me out of the shop, I think.
Anyway, if you manage to swerve these ten items when out shopping for this weekend’s Father’s Day festivities, you won’t go far wrong. And if you are missing your old man, remember it’s a made-up day anyway, and you should treat yourself to something nice instead as a reward for getting to the end of this column. You deserve it.
Alex Cann's weekly blog - 9th January
