I am brushing up on my German every day at the moment, thanks to the highly addictive Duolingo app. It’s rather scary that this year marks 30 years since I got an A in my German A-level, and I fear my showbiz age may require some revision.
Anyway, it’s a language which has some brilliantly descriptive words. A lot of us are feeling weltschmerz at the moment, given the absolute mess the world is in (its literal translation is ‘world pain’, and it means a kind of melancholy or existential sadness caused by the state of the world). Treppenwitz means ‘staircase joke’, and refers to a witty remark that comes to mind too late, for example just after you’ve left a conversation (you’re already walking away when the perfect comeback hits you).
I want to focus on schadenfreude, another neat German word that literally means ‘the pleasure or satisfaction one feels from witnessing someone else’s misfortune’. Those nice people at Doritos Flamin’ Hot have done one of those silly surveys I love to write about for this column, looking at the top things we take pleasure in laughing at, even though we know we shouldn’t find them amusing. Let’s have a look at the top ten in reverse order...
10 - An umbrella turning inside out. The last time this happened to me was after the adult pantomime at Hyde Festival Theatre in 2023, when a rogue gust of wind destroyed my brolly as I battled my way back to the car. There wasn’t even free two hour parking then to make me feel a little less sad.
9 - Chasing money or paperwork in the wind. My brother Nik found it hilarious when four £20 notes slipped out of my hand in my parents’ front garden, and I was running around in their rhododendron bushes attempting to retrieve the loot before it vanished forever in the wind. It was like a low-budget episode of Grab A Grand on Noel’s House Party back in the 90s.
8 - Eating spicy food they thought they could handle but is still too hot. I hosted a spicy chilli eating contest a few years ago at Harewood House during the Great British Food Festival. I’ve never understood people who show off about the amount of spice they can handle. But having watched the pain on their faces as the Scoville scale rating ramped up, it certainly vindicated my decision to stick to the medium spice at Nando’s and nothing hotter.
7 - A wardrobe malfunction. I almost had one of these when hosting a Business Awards ceremony in Ilkley, and picked up my hired dinner suit for the evening. I hadn’t checked it fitted, so put it on backstage, only to discover the trousers made my voice go as high as a Gibb brother. I had to breathe in for several hours, and hope the button didn’t ping off as an award was announced on stage. I made it, but it was touch and go.
6 - Tripping over. We’ve all done it, and hoped nobody was around to witness the moment. It happened to me only the other week, as I was messaging Radio Newshub’s Andy Hoyle, and failed to spot the kerb on the way to Portland Basin Museum. I hit the deck, and my first instinct was to make sure nobody filmed it for a £250 payout from Jeremy Beadle. Then I remembered it wasn’t the 90s any more.
5 - Badly performed karaoke. Now, I genuinely don’t find this funny. I would 100% put karaoke in Room 101, seal it in there, and never allow it to escape ever again. Absolutely atrocious. Worse than a James Corden Car Share binge watch.
4 - Trying to push or pull a door that is labelled the opposite. It’s a small thing, but when you someone do this, it’s impossible not to giggle.
3 - Being pooped on by a bird. Who decided this was lucky? It happened to my nephew a few years ago, and I happened to be filming a video of him feeding some fish, so I’ll show him the evidence when he’s older. He took it in his stride, to be fair, unlike the time a seagull nicked my dad’s fish in Whitby. He tried to chase the feathered miscreant, and was ticked off by a passer-by! Bird 1, Barrie 0.
2 - Walking into a door. Always going to be amusing, especially if it’s someone you don’t like very much.
1 - Falling off a chair. A former colleague.
Alex Cann's weekly blog - 9th January
